When your person of interest says they “need time”
“I need time”: the perfect collusion of dishonesty and false hope
I am a strong advocate for honesty and authenticity in inter-personal relationships, including professional ones. Yet there seems to exist an entire array of dishonest phrases and empty cliches plaguing the human connection, leaving fellow humans perpetually confused and ultimately hurt. I feel compulsively compelled to put those evergreens of evasiveness and insincerity at the center stage of the Haag court for human rights violations and issue a death sentence.
“I need time” is certainly one of those highly questionable and manipulative phrases popular in the mating process.
Because you really don’t.
Using this as an evasive maneuver for a commitment is such a frustrating pattern that I suspect it must come from an out of print handbook titled “How to be a massive asshole yet end up winning all the time”, secretly passed down by generations of people who are in fact completely broken at their core and utterly selfish.
Because honest-enough people don’t say this.
Mind you, people who do may have even graciously bestowed some of their reasons on you, some of which may look rather reasonable on the surface: I am not over my ex (a popular choice!), I just got a new job, I’m not ready for a relationship (another evergreen), I’m too scared to trust again (no. 1 choice namely for sensitive dudes with a guitar), I just got a new dog, my car got stolen, I just got a splinter, a squirrel stepped on my toe, I lost my lucky milk tooth I had been keeping since the second grade… you name it.
Any reason you hear is pretty much always absolute rubbish.
Why is that so?
Do you know how many people I have met in my entire life who said: “there was once this totally amazing person that I DESPERATELY wanted to be with and they were massively into me as well. Yet I decided not to give it a go because I was too scared/just got divorced/lost my dog?”
None. Zero. Literally never happened.
Because even a person who just got divorced, buried his dog, has chronic trust issues (hi!) and who is currently living on their neighbor’s couch will not let an amazing person s/he really likes slip away.
Now I’m not saying those are necessarily the right people to offer a relationship to in the first place, don’t get me wrong. In most cases, likely not. But if you are for whichever (probably a problematic) reason offering them a relationship after all l, yet the reaction is s/he “needs time”, it means only one thing: they’re not sure they want to be with you.
It’s a maybe.
You’re an option.
Nothing more, nothing less.
You know what they say during the hiring process? If it’s a maybe, it’s a no.
I can (unfortunately?) assure you that the same is almost always true in personal relationships.
Just like a two-week radio silence in the interview process is a bad sign, it’s important to be mindful of the analogy: a recruiter will not delay giving you an offer or go silent if the company really likes you as a candidate. Similarly, the person is not saying “I need time” because they are certain they want to be with you but need to sort out something first; they are using that “something” as an excuse when they are not sure you’re quite right for them. If they thought you were, they’d be happy to let you be a part of the process.
Even people in very intense life situation will find a way if they really are interested in another person; no amount of work stress or family drama will stop them from it. In fact, I have heard multiple stories about people who were able to carve out a meaningful relationship in pretty miserable and sordid life situations against the odds. Those stories certainly do exist, and sometimes can be rather inspiring.
Stories where people weren’t sure they want to be with somebody, put them on a holding pattern, but eventually somehow magically concluded that this person is the love of their life after all? Those don’t exist.
If you are interested in them, the only reason they will pull this “I need time” sh*t is if they are not sure THEY are, yet they leave a false hope.
All my friends who adamantly refused to believe this and still pushed on, investing sometimes ridiculous amounts of time, energy, money and effort in those “maybe relationships” — none of those ever turned out well.
I also personally don’t know any couples that were long-term successful in the love realm after one of them initially said “give me time”.
Do you?
Because love is not a “maybe”. Love is a “heck, yeah!”
What should you do if you really like someone yet they are making it clear the best they can do is treat you as an option? Should you wait, give them time or should you go?
My honest opinion: give them time and don’t waste yours.
What I mean by this is that the best you can do is authentically evaluate your priorities and goals: if you are ok being the person they occasionally text, talk to and/or sleep with without a commitment AND are ok with this pattern likely never changing, at least not until they meet someone who is not a maybe, by all means continue the pattern.
If you are sure you want more and this will no longer do, cut your losses and move on. It will only hurt more with more involvement and investment. It’s not playing hard to get, it’s being self-respecting and pragmatic with your time.
If you are convinced you have given them enough opportunities to discover who you truly are yet they still need time, it’s all about them, not you.
Yet a relationship should be about you also, and if it isn’t, it isn’t a relationship.
So my honest advice to all those told “I need time” by someone they hope will offer them more?
Look for the person that says “I want you” instead.
