Ten signs that the person you met is — or isn’t — the one
Especially if you absolutely loathe the concept of “the one”.
I don’t believe that there’s — or ever was — “the one” in the sense of a unique, made-to-be-by-divine-providence soulmate for each one of us. We are fed this toxic lie that finding ‘The One’ is integral to our completeness, health and mission in life; a redemption from loneliness of singlehood, dying alone; the relationship with our ‘soulmate' will last forever and will trump any past relationship exponentially.
I hate to ruin it for you, but it’s an absolute nonsense. If for no other reason, that just doesn’t make any sense from an evolutionary standpoint.
Moreover, think about the ableism and fundamental Western centrism behind it; many cultures around the glob edo not worship this concept of intimate relationships, are those people meant not to be happy or healthy?
It is absolutely damaging.
Instead, we should emphasize forming romantic relationships with people who bring out the best in us, motivate us to be better people, and allow us to safely interdepend. Such connection stems from a mutual, conscious choice to be vulnerable and to love each other.
I do believe that there are selected several people who are compatible for a long-term partnership fitting the above description for most, if not all of us. Yet there aren’t necessarily millions of them after all, as relationship sustenance requires shared past human experiences and future aspirations.
I’m not a relationship expert, I will never be one, but I am sick and tired of stale, plagiarized advice perpetuated in the write-for-click sphere about “how to tell the signs he or she is the one”. None of these are true; not for anyone past the age of 22.
So here is my absolutely non-expert, no-nonsense, experiential take on what makes someone totally incompatible in 10 steps:
1) You don’t like them.
Believe it or not, a ridiculous amount of people end up in a relationship with a person they don’t really like, but see them as a “better than nothing” option. (Please, do everyone a favor and don’t get pregnant in such situation!) I often see those people dating for years, get married if they can’t stumble upon someone better and divorce very quickly afterwards. Save yourself this experience and don’t stay in long-term relationships with people you just know you don’t really like, and probably never will. They will never change, and neither will you.
2) The sex isn’t good
It doesn’t have to be a concerto grosso the first time you’re intimate; after all, sex is always a learning curve with a partner, but if there is a long-term fundamental incompatibility in spite of efforts to work on it, something so instinctual and animalistic like sex just can’t be belied. You may love the other person dearly, but without compatibility in the bedroom, it will not be a sustainable long-term relationship; not without severe compromises.
3) Only the sex is good
For the love of God, do not marry someone who isn’t that great of a person but the sex is phenomenal! I’ve seen a surprising number of marriages between people who had nearly nothing in common but the bedroom walls were trembling whenever they entered. Just like love without good sex is not enough, good sex without love isn’t enough either. The magic will disappear usually after 1 year, so do not get pregnant, engaged or married unless you had been together for at least a year! You’re typically marrying for a climax in such situation, rather than for true, sustainable love, and that’s almost certainly a guaranteed way to end up in a miserable marriage.
4) You don’t speak the same language
Maybe not necessarily linguistically, but being unable to connect with the communication style of someone, their selection of words, jokes, even diction is an important aspect. You will likely be listening to this person for a very long time, are you sure you like not only what you’re hearing, but how you’re hearing it? Communication is fundamental to human relationships, and make sure you can imagine being shut in the same home with this person for a year having to listen to them because…. you know, it can actually happen.
5) You don’t want the same things
Whether it’s kids, pets, career, marriage, travel… yes, you can compromise, but you actually shouldn’t compromise on fundamentals such as binary questions of having children, getting married, or your career. You can compromise on pets, but again, if you know you absolutely love dogs and giving one up for good would be a sacrifice of an authentic piece of yourself, don’t do it! There are doubtlessly other people who will be just as good for you, AND will want a dog just as much.
6) There’s always drama
You may love each other, have good sex, but there just seems to be constant conflicts, up and downs, and just — perpetual drama. While it may be exciting when you’re 20, stormy courtship really isn’t a great predictor of a stable, long-term relationship. The good love is simply good, it just flows, and drama relationships with break-ups, make-ups and whatnot are usually just not meant to be. That is not to say that you can’t argue or have the occasional conflict, but a conflict as a defining element of your relationship eventually becomes just exhausting.
7) You don’t see each other as equal
Any relationship in which either party sees themselves as better — or worse — in any aspect, is rarely healthy. Those things ultimately come up paired with subconscious disrespect, looking over one’s shoulder if they missed out on something, infidelity and control. Unless you see your partner as an equal in all aspects of basic humanity and partnership and vice versa, don’t think about a long term relationship with that person.
8) You think you can change them
Acceptance is a fundamental aspect of any healthy relationship. If you are with someone you like a lot but you’re hoping to change a couple of things about who they are, please do not think for a second about forming a sustainable relationship with them. There is no surer recipe for a disappointment or a demise than if you chose to be with someone who you hope to change into someone else to fit your preconceived notions. People grow and change naturally, but that should stem from the above-described power of a healthy relationship to motivate someone to grow and be a better person, not from your will or expectations. You should not chose to be with someone in spite of their flaws you perceive, but rather for those ‘flaws’.
9) New people keep ‘catching your eye’
This is a phenomenon I noticed namely in men but is true for women also; those guys in stable, long-term relationships (married or not) who talk about their wife/live-in partner, but are also very friendly with every single woman in the office, know the name of every pretty intern, and essentially are ‘looking without knowing they are looking’.
It’s the subconscious part of the self where they would be perfectly prepared to describe their relationship as happy, stable and committed, rationalize their interest in other women as pure fellow human interest rather than romantic and mean every word of it. Yet in the vast majority of these cases, this ‘sub-flirty’ behavior is a sign of trouble in their home relationship they are not yet ready to admit to.
If you are this person, take a good, hard look at your relationship and either start working on your issues, or end it. There is no other way out.
For those witnessing this, stay away from these people as a potential new romantic interest, because I can assure you there is something ugly coming on the horizon and you don’t want to be a part of it.
10) You’re having trouble visualizing long-term future with them
Seeing is believing. This one is a bit tricky, as many people will say ‘ well I’m not ready for a marriage so I can’t really imagine ANYONE becoming my husband/wife’ but I can tell you, if you go down that road and imagine in your head the person as your spouse/long-term partner and the vision makes you anxious/sick to your stomach/nervous/uncomfortable, I promise you it’s not the idea of a commitment, it’s the idea of a commitment to THIS person. The image in your head doesn’t have to fill you with joy or ecstasy, but it should not evoke negative feelings. If it does, it is telling you something true about how you really feel about this person, and you should consider what it means for the long-term outlook of this relationship.
Now that we got the negatives out of the way, here is a list of things that I believe portent a sign that this person may actually be a suitable long-term partner.
- Everyone is telling you so.
While nobody holds a full insight into your heart and head, people often get lost in it and start focusing on the wrong thing rather than their partner as a whole. Just like if everyone is telling you the person is NOT good for you, you should listen, the opposite is also absolutely true. Emotionally detached people often know and sense far more, or much different ‘truth’ about a couple than the couple themselves, especially at the beginning, and their honest opinion can be very insightful. It should not be the opinion of ‘yes people’ who will support you even if you were dating a mass murderer because they are worried about hurting your feelings, or the input of aging parents who are keen for you to tie the knot with anyone or anything already. But if trusted, honest friends and relatives are telling you that this person is really great for you, or that you are really great together without you two putting on a show, you should take it seriously, even if you may not necessarily feel that (yet!) - It feels kinda ‘easy’ being with them
We should not conflate the idea of a highly functional relationship with this Hollywood fantasy of the “right” relationship all of a sudden fixing absolutely everything that’s messed up in your life. The arrival of the right person in your life is not the second coming. That’s also endlessly toxic and creates incredibly unrealistic expectations for a lot of chronically troubled and lonely people.
Relationships are ALWAYS a lot work, whether at the beginning or at the end, whether at a distance or while living together. But in the right relationship, the work doesn’t feel like an onus, it is something akin to a healthy exercise; yes, you are sweaty and your muscles are sore, but you are also feeling great, getting healthier in the process. Relationships shouldn’t be onerous, shouldn’t fill you with anxiety, doubt, or uncertainty; it should feel just ‘right’, like a flow of a canoe on a river. You still have to paddle to keep the canoe going straight and where you ultimately want it to go, but it doesn’t feel hard doing it. - You’re convinced you can trust them with anything
Trust is the ultimate honor to bestow upon anyone. Being comfortable discussing periods or your dark secrets and not feeling like you have to hide any parts of yourself from them (obviously not on a first date but after a reasonable amount of time has passed since you have met each other) is another critical aspect for a long-term relationship. All those girls who refuse to be seen without a make-up by their boyfriend or struggle with sharing they are on their period definitely need a new boyfriend. Intimacy is not about fondling one’s ass, but about sharing who you really are. - You have been through some challenges together and your partner didn't let you down
It’s easy to be in love and dating happily when everything is going well. How about when things don’t go that great? It doesn’t have to be a major life-altering event, it’s the little things and little discomforts of life that count just as well. Cancelled flights, poor hotel rooms, mean people on the bus, sick pet… if your partner gets hostile, or doesn’t have your back, don’t commit to him or her. And definitely do not commit to anyone unless you have been through some challenges, no matter how minor. - You like them as a stand-alone human being
Some people may be devout, caring partners, but maybe not as interesting as individuals in your opinion. Liking someone as First_Name Last_Name, irrespective whether they are in a relationship with you, is quite important. I know at least a couple of women who got into serious relationships with a guy who ‘would make a great husband’ in their opinion from a provider/social role perspective, but who they didn’t necessarily admire as an individual.
Being interested in your partner’s hobbies (you don’t need to share those, but you should want to hear about those occasionally), their work, opinions, their past and experiences makes a huge difference if you are in it for the long haul. If you can visualise the person you are with standing on a podium in front of a room of people as a complete stranger to you (in terms of personal details) and still think they are intriguing for who they are, that’s a good sign. - You get them and they get you
This sounds easy, but this kind of ‘understanding without needing to verbalize everything’ is actually a fairly rare thing. You may have it with some friends and relatives where you know each other so well you feel like you read their mind, but finding a partner who will just ‘get you’ is tougher. Many couples who have been together for many years often struggle with reading and understanding each other, so if you have this quality with someone, give them a serious consideration for the long-haul. - You could be without them, but don’t want to be
Emotional dependence isn’t love. Manipulation into submission and/or dependence isn’t love either. Love means trusting someone so absolutely you are perfectly comfortable setting them free. Love isn’t shackles, love is freedom. If you happily choose to be with someone while you know you could easily be happy without them, yet you WANT to be with them because you can and it brings you joy and happiness, rather than because you would feel lonely, sad, depressed without them, that is fantastic sign for the long-term. - They know the little, idiosyncratic things about you and respect those
The person who will not order a steak in a restaurant if they know you are a vegetarian and not necessarily comfortable with a piece of dead cow 1 foot away from your plate. The person that knows you want two Splendas in your coffee. That skips the song on the radio that annoys you without ever making you feel like who you are and what you like is a burden. Not only remembering the little things about you (and pay a VERY good attention at the beginning of a relationship whether someone actually picks up on those and remembers them), but respecting those is a bigger deal than it may seem. - You don’t hate their family/close friends
This is a sticky topic, and there isn’t a definitive right or wrong here, but I will say based on my personal experience: if you absolutely cannot stand someone’s mother yet she is a reasonably important part of your partner’s life (namely important for an only-child partner, that mom is bound to be involved!), be very careful about getting serious with them. The same goes for close friends; if you think your partner’s buddies are a bunch of losers, he may not be the right one. It’s not like that if you don’t think his parents are that great or if you are indifferent to them the relationships stands no chance. But if you have truly negative emotions around important people in his life, this is something bound to catch up with you eventually. I’d be extremely careful to get involved with someone whose inner circle I can’t stand. - They make you feel loved
It sounds so simple, yet is so… ethereal. If someone makes you feel loved, accepted and cared for without just trying to manipulate you, get you to bed or take advantage of you in a different way, consider them for the long-haul. The feeling of being loved is a source of comfort, security and grounding. I you had been dating for a longer time (minimum 12 months, do NOT derive any conclusions about this at the beginning of a new relationship) and STILL have this feeling, pay attention to it. It means something. Conversely, if you had been dating for years and you never really had this feeling, it is likely time to face the reality and move on.
Best of luck to all in search of love.
