Don’t demonize ghosting: it works every time
Just because we went on a date doesn’t mean that you are entitled to my intimate thoughts about you.
Footnote one: I wrote this in present tense purely for style purposes.
Ghosting has been receiving a lot of bad reviews lately, some going as far as calling it “emotional abuse”.
As someone who considers ghosting a legitimate part of my arsenal in interpersonal relationships, I’d say that’s quite unfair.
First of all, not everyone I have ever interacted with is automatically entitled to a ‘closure’ or the “ultimate truth.” Moreover, if I am simply not responding to someone’s messages, emails or calls, without explicitly saying “I don’t want to see you again”, what difference, exactly, does it make for the ultimate outcome if I do in fact respond by saying “I don’t want to see you again”?
Zero.
Yet instead, it may stir up painfully annoying questions like “why”, “what did I do”, “can you give me another chance.”
No.
I don’t owe anyone an apology or an explanation. It is up to me to decide if I wish to share my inner thoughts about you as a person, you have absolutely no claim to those. Neither do I have any claim to yours.
Please understand that ghosting does not always come from a place of not caring, but may actually very much stem from a part of me where I do care about someone’s feelings, yet see no point in hurting those just because they are not the right person for me.
It is just as uncomfortable for me to share my truth about you as it is for you to hear it, so please respect my emotional bandwidth. I’m a desperately faulty human being and if I’m not responding to your texts, it’s not because I am trying to hurt you, but possibly because I am trying to achieve the very opposite.
There is absolutely no point in being openly critical to people who I see no future contact with, only to hurt them?! I don’t want to lie or be “diplomatic” either, so I just ghost and they all will eventually get the message.
I don’t condone ghosting in committed relationships; if someone has invested time, resources including emotional ones into building a connection with you, it is a common decency to provide some kind of a “closure”. I remember a story of a woman who used to live with a partner and one day she came home and he was just gone — his things gone, phone turned off, no note, no return address. She called his family members and eventually she found out he packed his bags and moved to a different country, without as much as a heads-up or a conversation. I honestly thought this behavior goes way beyond what I personally understand as ‘ghosting’, that’s just pure a**hole, hurtful, dumb sh*t. What kind of person does that, that’s not even immature or non-committal. The funny part was he just found out, unbeknown to her, she is about to become his new boss (most people advised him to look for a new job.)
So when there is a genuine (!), not an imaginary or fantasy-based relationship (long-distance relationship without having ever met in person, relationship three dates in…), ghosting really isn’t the strategy to go for when it comes to ending things. But I will again go against the usual dating advice that break ups must take place over the phone or in person, and that you can’t email or text the good news.
You certainly can, there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about these methods of ending a relationship. It’s not always about the emotions of the person that is being broken up with, the emotions and emotional limits of the person initiating the breakup also matter just as much! Not everyone breaking up with someone is inherently the bad person in the relationship! If this is the only way that they are able to gather the strength to end the relationship, it is perfectly acceptable.
Sometimes people break up with someone they love deeply but the person is not good for them, and sending a letter, email or a text is just fine in such situation. There is no rule book about how to break up and we should stop trying to invent it.
So back to ghosting: provided this method is applied in early stages of an in-person relationship or in any stages of a fantasy-based/imaginary relationship (those just don’t count in my playbook), there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and the person on the receiving end of this should understand the very simple message this conveys:
I do not want to be with you.
Period. There is nothing complicated behind it, no childhood trauma, attachment issue, no fear of my own feelings; you are not a person I want to be with, and that settles it for me.
You have questions? Well tough luck, but that’s on you. I am not an employee to provide you with an exit interview about your qualities and what I liked and I didn’t, nor am I Yelp to give you an honest review.
To all the men I ever ghosted (and boy, were there many), I did not want to be with you. Nothing more, nothing less.
But let’s play a game in which I did not ghost you and actually called and had “the conversation” with you, and you tell me if you STILL wish I had rather called:
- Ghosted after 3rd date, confused why I’m ignoring you.
I told you very clearly at the beginning that I want to take things very slow and get to know you well first, yet you tried to shovel your tongue down to my tonsils as we said good-bye. You clearly don’t respect my boundaries, and I don’t like how you kiss. It’s aggressive and needy, and I don’t want any of that. - Ghosted after 1st date in a hiphop club of my choosing, keeps texting obnoxiously even though I don’t answer.
You agreed to the venue then complained about the music. You talked about your mother all the time and in spite of being a history teacher, had nothing to say about the dynamic role of God in post-industrial revolution development of the Western society. I thought you were completely unexciting and not meeting my expectations. - Ghosted after 1st date in a coffee shop. Keeps texting into the void.
I can’t believe the clothes you chose to wear on a date with a woman, like seriously, get slacks and a polo shirt. If you are really confused, ask a trusted friend. Moreover, don’t gush how insanely hot our common female acquaintance is. - Ghosted after 1st date in a pub. Keeps calling and texting.
You, my friend, are a rather handsome and reasonably interesting young lawyer, but you are also a religious bigot. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in God and we had a rather nice conversation about our respective faiths, but I sense that your religious devotion is something I can’t fully get behind and accept. I don’t think you should change anything about it, it’s just not for me. Purely out of respect, I don’t want to be with you, but don’t want to make you feel bad about your devotion to God, so I respectfully ghost you. - Ghosted after 1st date at the movies. Keeps emailing and sent a drunk text.
You made weird comments during the movie and even weirder ones afterwards. I am not sure what is going on in your head. I cannot tell if you are a psycho or just an introvert. I cannot read you properly and that makes me anxious. I cannot be with someone whose disposition makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Best of luck to you. - Ghosted after 1st date — a swimming pool (I’m European. We have dates at the pool.)
No chemistry. Zero. Like none at all. Moreover, I don’t think your art is good enough to make a living out of it, but don’t want to be the one to tell you to get a proper job. - Ghosted after 1st date — a lunch.
You kept talking about your ex. I don’t give a toss about your ex, this is supposed to be a date, not a therapy session. Don’t bring your baggage on a date! - Ghosted after 1st date in a hippie coffee shop.
You didn’t let me get a word in! You kept talking on and on and on and…zzzz. This was one of the worst dates ever, I was looking at my watch five minutes into your uninterrupted monologue, counting seconds for when the obligatory 30 minutes are up so I can make up an excuse and get up and leave. - Ghosted after 1st date (a hike). A class mate set us up.
You sounded like a complete idiot, coupled with sheer immaturity and mental health issues. You were also broke on a date and kept complaining that you have no money. Yet you said you bought pot the other day. You’re absolutely pathetic and my class mate is a f..ing troll. - Ghosted after 1st date — walking your dog.
I liked your dog way, way better than you.
So if someone has ghosted you, wish them well and move on.
